You see - I am a hound. I have a very good nose. I can smell everything. People marvel at my nose. I do tricks finding things with my nose and visitors are most impressed. I can hear stuff too. I can be at the bottom of the garden but can hear when me Dad's toast pops up. No point in doin' anything when it goes IN. I can hear the farm dogs at the end of the lane and we have late night chats. Now then - me eyes. Well I don't use 'em really and me parents get frustrated when they shout "Squirrel" and I go off and smell exactly where it's been by which time it's gone up a tree. I know which tree it's gone up because I can smell it. ANYWAY we had an incident in the garden yesterday. I was almost totally inside the Pampus Grass thingy going mad. Me parents thought there might be a shrew in der and were encouragin' me. WELL apparently (coz I missed it) a HUGE rat ran out and ran over the garden and into the field. Me Muther shrieked and me Farder said some words I didn't understand. By the time it reached the field I was still in the Pampus grass - BUT - now this is what I don't understand, mates. Me Muther was trying to get me back inside the house. She was saying a rat might hurt me. I didn't want to go in the house - I was trackin' it. Smelt exactly where it had been and did me hound noises (impresses the locals). But I'm confused. Can anyone help me out here? Are rats dangerous? Why was me Muther shrieking? What's it like usin' yer eyes instead? If you use yer eyes does that mean your nose is rubbish?
To Be Or Not To Be? - What is der question?
Ralph
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Ralphie - there is only one thing to do with rats apart from kill them and that is get a CAT! Leave it all to him, that's what they are made for, they're not much good at anything else except sleeping. We've got this pesky cat called Leo and he caught one the other day and laid it outside the back door for mum to see. She screamed and called for dad who said the only good rat is a dead one. We do have them in the front garden, easier to get at than in the pampas grass and that stuff is all spiky and horrid. But I am nervous because they bite and they have very dirty teeth because they go to dirty places so if you got bit, you would have to go to the vet person and you wouldn't like that. So your mum was looking after you really. If you do see one, you need to bite it on the back of it's neck but they are fighters - - no, leave it to the cat. Our cat swipes us across the face and when we've done nothing at all, too, except sniff his bottom. So go down the recycled cat centre and get one of those and all your problems will be over!
We've got a lot of rabbits in our garden at the moment and they are much more interestin'.
You are right to leave it to your nose!!
Love Laska xx
Ah - Leo the Pesky. You see, Laska, me Muther doesn't like cats very much so I don't think she'll be gettin' one. On der subject of cats, you'd better tell Leo and yer muther that I have a problem with them and they are the only things that bring out der killer in me. Me Muther says if I had me own cat den oyd luv it and things but that I would still want to kill udder people's cats.
Me Muther gets very paranoid (big word, Ted?!) when I go rushing about in the pampus grass. She don't like it, Laska, and says it's rough and spikey and will make me go blind. She does fuss, Laska. Are all muthers like this?
I don't have rabbits. They sound fun. Do they move faster than squirrels? Do they climb trees? What's their smell like? Can I hunt for some when I come for dinner?
Now then, dinner. Me parents say we're all coming over about 5. Now this is a problem, Laska and Ted, because I eats me tea at 5. Shall I have tea early on that day or shall me parents bring me tea with me. I don't want any hassle over bowls and food and stuff. I'm sure you and I could eat our tea together like that bit in Lady's A Tramp and it would be all romantic and stuff - but will Ted go all possesive like boys with bits do sometimes? I don't want no trouble.
Just looked at the clock and it's time for me afternoon sleep to settle me tummy before teatime.
Love Ralph
Hi Ralph,
Just a quick note to say thank you for the comment on my blog. Very kind of you.
I'm looking forward to coming over too :) I might have to email Mummy to check dates again, because I'm not doing as much as I was doing before, and I might have a bit more spare time...!
Lots of love and top of the mornin' to ya,
Lorna
xx
Ralph, old chap - howya doin'?Ted here at last, been a bit of a hitch recently with mum away and dad doesn't do these blog thingeys 'cos he's even more compromised than me with paws and claws an' all. I don't mean he's got paws an claws but he only does things with one finger, mum is the power lady round 'ere - wel, you know what I mean.
Rabbits. When you come over next week, I can certainly take you to some of their poos and you can sniff them to get the picture; if our parents don't get too odd after they've been swigging that stuff out of bottles, they may take us on a proper hunt and you might aksherlly see one. The other thing we'ver got that might interest you is pheasants; what you do with them is to frighten them off their branch and as they fall to the ground, you get them up against a fence and bite their necks. It's really good fun as they twitch a bit but that adds to things really. You then leave them and have a go the next day when they are a bit smelly. Can't think why, but they have often gone the next morning, praps they get up in the night and fly away...
We've got a pond too Ralph, but I don't think you do water, do you? We aren't allowed in 'cos there are creatures in there like squirmy things who have lots of babies and people call them "Listed species" but don't know what that means. It's like a flippin wild park, here Ralph, and I can tell you, I am in a huntin' mood at the moment. Mum keeps puttin' me on the lead in the woods 'cos she doesn't trust me an after all that trainin, too. You can see I am in a fightin mood tonight!
Lookin forward to a good bound about with you, old chap, and just had a thought (don't get too many of those) but we DO have a really big pile of garden stuff waiting to burn and guess what? In the middle lives a rabbit!!! We have both spent a lot of time trying to get underneath but mum won't leave us alone and keeps telling Laska to get out as she might get another branch in her collar. We go there when she isn't looking. Mums are funny, aren't they? Got silly ideas if you ask me.
See you soon, old chap!
Ted (& Lask)
I don't know where to start, Ted me old o'mate. Praps I should answer you first:-
My Mum's the power lady round here too. She's the pack leader. Me and me Dad just happily let her be the pack leader. Me and me Dad aren't really cut out for that stuff.
Rabbits. I think I may have seen one once but I'm looking forward to smelling their poos and huntin' about in the bonfire. I don't know what a pheasant is but I like the sound of 'em. I like frightening things. In the field next to the garden we get cows and sheep. Cows are REALLY boring. You rush about and bark round your perimeter fence but they just look at you and say "whatever". Makes you look a bit silly. Sheep, though....they're great. When I bark at them they rush off in all directions. VERY satisfyin'.
You're right. I don't do ponds. However, "listed species" sounds interesting. I have decided that I want to be a "listed species".
That answers your stuff.
NOW THEN..........
I have some good news and some bad news. Let's do bad news first. Me Muther (the pack leader) decided that I should have me toenails clipped and me feathers and beard trimmed AND have a bath today. Ted I can't tell you how bad this is. Did you know me muther is a qualified canine beautician. This is not good coz she attacks me herself. The only way to cope is to just switch off and wait till it's over. It's like when me muther tries to snog me - but worse. Anyway it's all over now and I'm OK.
The good news is that me farder took me up the Bromyard Downs the other day to take me mind off the fact that me muther was something called "up north" - do you know what that is Ted? Anyway, you know that stuck up Afghan - well - she has suddenly decided that I'm possibly quite nice. She wagged her tail when she saw me and sort of smiled. Ted, you'll never guess what I did...... I ignored her and went and had a big pee on a clump of grass and then trotted off pretending to smell things. I did laugh, Ted. I bet you'd have done the same. Treat 'em mean, Ted. Know what I mean?
Oh - me muther's gone in the kitchen to cook something. She needs my help, Ted. Must go.
Ralph
Oh Ralph - how I sympathise with you. I know JUST how you feel - I am so depressed 'co I've gotta go the hairdressers this afternoon and it is so BORING and even painful if me ears is plucked an' all. Never had me toenails cut, couldn't do that. Mum talks about clawwalks which is different from grass and carpets so we are supposed to wear them down that way.
Now listen, Ralph, we need to pick our time very carefully 'bout these rabbits 'cos they are EVERYWHERE and its so 'citing. Also, the guns are out and all the pheasants (they are birds that make a lot of noise but don't fly very well)wot aren't dead come into our garden to rest in the trees and there we are waiting for 'em!! Gives 'em a shock, I can tell you!
Laska does sheep - she once rounded up a whole load by jumping over the fence but she didn't know what to do with them. I chased one once up north (normally means the top of the garden but I have been up north, its a place called Yorkshire or Scotland)and it was the same size as me and we both stopped to look each other in the eye when mum grabbed my collar and that was the end of that bit of fun!! Sometimes, power mums are a pain in the bum.
You could be a listed species Ralph, you only have to be the only one of anything, or not many of anything. I asked mum about it and she said Crested newts, whatever they are - squirmy things and all wet. But they are certainly not dogs!
Hurray - raost chicken tomorrow, there will be plenty to go round! Hope you like that!
Good for you with that stuck up Afghan, Ralph - keep 'em guessing, I always think. Some of these bitches need to be put in their place. Laska is a tart too and does all this silly show-off barking but 'spect you'll sort her out tomorrow.
See yus, old chap!
Love Tedx
Ted
I think I love your sister.
Did you see me in her bed?
I love her Ted.
Do you mind?
I have given this listed species thing a lot of thought. If you have to be one of a kind then I reckon that as I've never seen another dog who looks like me, then I am one of a kind and therefore I am a listed species.
Ralph the Listed
Hi Ralph, well, fancy that, old chap! Lovin' me sister! You are very welcome to love her, she hasn't had a dogfriend before so I know she will be very pleased. I have to live with her so I wouldn't reely want to love her, anyway, she is very bossy as you may have noticed but likes it when people and dogs think she is special 'cos she had a sad puppyhood what wiv' two other homes before we got her and she needs to be reminded that she is special. I know I grumble about her but she's alright reely, just annoys me when she goes steaming about and upsettin' the rabbits an' all. I did see you in her bed but you didn't have a frolic on her upstairs sofa, did you? You can do that next time you come over.
I think you are right about listed species, and yes, you would be more listed than me or Laska 'cos we look like other dogs but you don't. Mum sez you are unique which means you are the only one so that makes it true.
I bow to your listing, Ralph!
Tedxx
Ralphie - its me here, Laska. I am very flattered 'bout what Ted just told me about you and I have never had a dogfriend before so you are my first love, Ralphie!
Mum and Dad went away and left us with our friend Ken but last night, I had a very big fright 'cos the neigbours let off some banging fires and 'splosions in the next door garden and I went an' hid. I wished you were there to hold my paw. Mum said to Ken that I have never heard those things before but I hid in the bathroom, she was surprised I was frightened being a Birminham' dog but it just got to me last night. Leo the Pesky was upside down all evening on the sofa, he didn't care nor did Ted who was asleep by the fire. Praps if mum had been there, I would have been alright but if there are any more bangs, mum will look after me.
I send you some special licks and a woofle.
Laskaxxxxx
Dear Ted and Laska
Glad you liked me card.
Ted - I didn't go on the upstairs sofa coz I knew it was a special place. When I go to Granny's, Boris always lies on my Bo-Bos so I have to lie on Bryn's and Bryn lies on Boris's. It's a good game. The humans laugh.
Laska - I had 'splosions too.
I didn't mind them last year coz me parents made me watch them from the bedroom window but they were down in the valley. This year they were next door and there were bombs on top of our house. I didn't like it, Laska. I went upstairs and hid under me muther's office chair. I feel a bit safer there. Me farder gave me some sedatives called mini bonios. They made me feel better.
I had a moment with me farder on the Bromyard Downs. I was just at the end of the wood and over the fence and gate I saw Laska. I was jolly excited and told me farder to hurry up to open the stile thing so I could say hello to her. I was waggin' and makin' silly noises. I was saying "Laska, Laska" Anyway me farder opened the stile thing and I galloped over to her
but
It wasn't Laska. I was really upset. I had to pretend that I knew it wasn't Laska all along but I did think it was for a moment. She looked the same from a distance.
I told me muther about it all and she said I wasn't likely to see anyone that looked like Ted in me lifetime.
I'm worn out now.
Going to have a little rest.
Speak soon
Ralph the disappointed
Ralphie - I was so sad it wasn't me. I don't know Bromyard Down so I don't think we go there so it couldn't have been me and anyway, I would have given you a kiss to say hallo. You would have known my smell.
On a cheering note, Ralph, mum has been complaining about Ted being smelly. An' he had a bath when he went to the pouffey poodle parlour. Mum sez his collar is smelly so it is going in the wash with our beds. She also was "muttering darkly" (this is a sophisticated, literary concept - do you undertstand me?? I don't understand myself sometimes..)that maybe he should see the vet about something to do with his "gear" but I don't know about these things. She sez that his "gear" makes him smelly. I am used to his smell. But not when he farts, Ralph, an' last night, he let off a real blower and we had to open the windows - cor, it was strong. Everybody was flappin' newspapers about! Do you fart, I wonder?
We had that little person here this weekend with his daddy an'mummy with the yellow curls and her puppy hasn't half grown, she is very plump in the middle. Her jumper doesn't meet her skirt any more and me an' Ted had to look after the little person. He told Ted to Go Away! I was really 'pressed. But Ted did stay with him after he went to sleep, he was very good lyin' by the cot and checked him before we all went to bed.
Gosh, Ralph, it would be so good to meet you on a walk. Today in the woods, I was very, 'ceptionally good when I chased one of them small things, small deers they are, and mum called me back in her Army voice (one which echos all round the wood) and for some reason, I obeyed her and got put on the lead at once. We had a quiet ending to our walk.
Golly, gotta go, there are more beef droppings to eat up and I am tired after all the racing about in the garden this afternoon with pheasants an' all.
How are your friends Bruce, Nilly and Max? Hope they are all well?
Kisses, Lask xx
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